Disappointment is the flavor of the day. In short, that means some things aren’t going as I want them to, and with the thoughts I’m thinking about this, I’m making myself miserable.
Yet, I’m not letting the thoughts and feelings rule my evening. The sense of disenchantment, entitlement unfulfilled, rooted in expectation that things go as I want them to and the incumbent thoughts are like a scent. I smell the scent, admittedly, it’s not a pleasant one, but there are other scents present and even the absence of scent. I’m not having a really easy time noticing those other scents, or paying attention to them – but I know they are there. This is huge! This is awareness in action, awareness brought to the workings of my mind and interrupting patterns of thinking that have been habitual.
As one disappointment arose today, I even recognized it as a response to something out of balance, a corrective response. This recognition was grounded in trust of Life. Wow! This is cause for celebration!
September 30, 2010
I wrote this 6 days after my kitty-boy died, quite unexpectedly. No wonder I was feeling a plethora of stuff that was less than uplifted.
When Tora died, the grief hit me so hard that I knew – based on experience – that I would be physically ill in very short order and it would, likely take months to regain stability. With this awareness I thought, ‘This pattern must change. There has to be a way to honor my feelings that is not so hard on my body, and is not denial.’
Tora was an amazing cat. He truly felt like a Shaman to me his presence in my life seemed to have spiritual purpose. If his companionship had a purpose than his departure did too, I claimed. I determined that through his death I was going to find a new way to relate to the intensity of my emotions. My emotions were going to be seen, acknowledged, accepted, but they were not going to derail me. This big loss was not going to result in months of illness. This change, I was going to make for Tora. His death was going to have meaning and power in my life of a very positive nature.
It’s been about two months since my little guy died. I often tear up when I think of him. Just as often I smile, because he was such a joy and such a character. I did not get sick. At moments the feelings would seem like a vortex that was going to suck me in and I would remember my determination that his death was going to have a positive impact on my life, it was going to be my bridge to a new relationship with the intensity of my emotions. I don’t recall much of how I worked with my emotions, I recall that at times they seemed to have such a powerful pull. I was very mindful of handling his things around my home, being really present to what I wanted to do with his toys and other things. I visited his grave out back some mornings. Somehow, it must have been grace, I managed to honor my feelings and not be so impacted by them that I got ill. A new relationship with my feelings was forged. Yeah, I still get overwhelmed by them and forget how what I have access to that will help me through until a friend reminds me. But, the difference in how I am working with intense emotions is profound. Truly, it was a gift my precious Tora gave to me.
For more of my writing and a piece about Tora – coming in the near future – see www.momentscount.com. There are writers to be found there who will delight, inform, inspire and guide.